JokeJam.com
8/5/2003
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Six Double Vodkas
A guy comes into a bar and orders six double vodkas from the bartender.
The barman says "Wow! You must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.
When the bartender asked what the problem was, today the answer came back,
"I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double
vodkas.
The bartender said "What's up! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
"Yeah, my wife..."
Petmeds
THE MAKINGS OF A MAN
When man was first made, he was given only twenty years of normal sex life.
Naturally, he was horrified! Only twenty years!
The monkey also was given twenty years, but replied ten years is plenty. The
man asked for the monkey's other ten years and it was given to him.
The lion was also given twenty years, but he also said he only needed ten
years. Again, man asked for the other ten years, and the lion replied of
course.
Then came the donkey, and he was also given twenty years, but like the other
animals, ten years was enough for him. And again man asked and was given ten
more years.
Now, this explains why man today has twenty years of normal sex life, then
ten years of monk eying around, ten years of lion about it and last of all
ten years of making an ass of himself.
What do you get if
you mix Viagra with Rogaine?
Don King.
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Lipstick on the Mirror
The principal had a problem with some girls who were starting to use
lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would blot their lips on the
mirrors, leaving lip prints.
Before it got out of hand, he thought of a way to stop it.
One day he gathered together all the girls who wore lipstick.
He then took them into the bathroom and lectured about how hard it was to
clean the lipstick off the mirrors. The principle then asked the custodian,
who was present, to demontrate.
The custodian took a long handled brush, dipped it into the toilet and
vigorously rubbed the lipstick off the mirror.
From that day forward, the mirrors stayed lipstick free.
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SIGNS THAT YOU ARE NOT A KID ANYMORE
You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
Your back goes out more than you do.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
You are proud of your lawn mower.
Your best friend is dating someone half his age..... and isn't breaking any
laws.
Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
You sing along with the elevator music.
You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
You make an appointment to see the dentist.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
Neighbors borrow your tools.
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
You have a dream about prunes.
You answer a question with, "because I said so!"
You send money to PBS.
The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
You take a metal detector to the beach.
You wear black socks with sandals.
You know what the word "equity" means.
You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
Your ears are hairier than your head.
You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
You got cable for the weather channel.
You can go bowling without drinking.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
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Simple as Black and White
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her
mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of
her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.
The child thought about this for a moment, then said....
"So why is the groom wearing black?"
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The Top Ten Lies Told by Graduate Students
1. My job prospects look really good.
2. The Department is giving me so much support.
3. I just have one more book to read and then I'll start writing.
4. I turned down a lot of great job offers to come here.
5. No really. I'll be out of here in only two more years.
6. Your latest article was so inspiring.
7. I could never date an undergraduate.
8. My work has a lot of practical importance.
9. I'd be delighted to proofread your book/chapter/article.
10. It doesn't bother me at all that my college roommate makes $80.000 a
year on Wall Street.
Opposites
"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, "Mr. Nichols, what
is the opposite of joy?"
- "Sadness," said the student.
"And the opposite of depression, Ms. Biggs?"
- "Elation."
"And you sir, how about the opposite of woe?"
- "I believe that would be giddy up".....
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