JokeJam.com
9/8/2003
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Three Crows
Three male crows are flying over head when one spots a dove.
He swoops down, picks up the dove and takes it into the bushes.
After a few minutes, the dove comes out and says, "I'm a dove and I've been
loved!"
The crows continue on. A little later the second bird sees a lark. He swoops
down, picks it up and goes into the bushes.
A few minutes later, the lark comes out and says, "I'm a lark and I've been
sparked!"
The crows continue on. A little later the third one sees a duck.
He swoops down, picks it up and takes it into the bushes.
After a few minutes the bird comes out, and then goes back in.
Then the duck comes out and says, "I'm a drake and there's been a big mistake!"
Petmeds
365 times a year
A man takes his wife to the stock show.
They start heading down the alley that had the bulls.
They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times
last year."
The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could
learn from him."
They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times
last year."
The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That
is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one also."
They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times
last year."
The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That
is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."
The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and ask if it was 365 times with the
same cow."
Pierced Ears
The students in my third-grade class were bombarding me with questions about my
newly pierced ears.
"Does the hole go all the way through?"
"Yes." I replied
"Did it hurt?"
"Just a little." I told him
"Did they stick a needle through your ears?"
"No, they used a special gun." I said
Silence followed, and then one solemn voice called out, "Wow, how far away did
they stand?"
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Diagnosis Computer
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My
elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a
urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about
it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a
doctor."
So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He
deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.
He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer
ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid
heavy activity.
It will improve in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began
wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his
wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.
Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten
dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints
the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
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Fighting with the Band
Joe was a band manager.
He was currently out of work because every band that he managed refused to
listen to his good advice.
One day he answered an ad that said "Band Manager Wanted for Rock Group 'The
Rolling Eggs'".
Joe applied and was hired. The band proved extremely cooperative and listened to
his suggestions and advice.
Thus the band began to make lots and lots of money.
The band members became more and more greedy and decided to reduce Joe's
percentage of the profits.
Joe confronted them and said, in an angry tone of voice, "I'll sue you for
breach of contract, you ungrateful idiots." Then Joe punched the lead guitarist
in the face. The rest of the band members tackled Joe to restrain him and told
him he was fired.
The moral, of course, is: Don't fight the band that heeds you.
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Nudist Colony
This couple went to a nudist colony with their four year old son.
The son asked his father, "Why do some people have big ones and other people
have little ones?"
The father, who did not want to get into a detailed discussion of sex organs
just said, "The people with the big organs are smart people and the people with
the small organs are dumb."
The little boy accepted this explanation and did not ask any more questions.
A little while later the father could not find his wife.
So he asked the little boy if he knew where his mother was.
The little boy replied, "She's behind the bushes with this real dumb guy who is
getting smarter by the minute."
Jokes by Numbers
Two Australian tourists were sitting at the bar in an Irish pub when all of a
sudden a guy yelled out "Number 47!", and all the other drinkers started
laughing.
A few minutes later another guy yelled out "Number 77! and again everybody
laughed.
The Australian thought this was a bit odd, so he asked the barman what was going
on.
The barman said, "Well, it's like this - these people have been drinking here
for years, and they all tell the same jokes. So a couple of years ago we decided
to give each joke a number, and now when someone starts telling a joke, if you
think you know what it is you call out the number and if people think it's a
funny joke they will laugh."
The Aussie thought he'd give this a try. He waited until it was quiet and then
stood up and shouted "Number 88!" And everybody laughed loudly and hysterically
for ten minutes or more. People were falling over and crying with laughter. The
pub was in uproar.
The Aussie said to the barman, "So tell me, why did they laugh more at my joke
than the others?"
And the barman said, "Well, there are two reasons--firstly it was a very funny
joke, and secondly, nobody had heard it before."
The Aussie's mate tried it calling out, "54" but no one laughed, when he asked
why the barman said, "It's the way you told it"
Fasten Seat Belts
Flying to Los Angeles from San Francisco the other day, a passenger noticed that
the "Fasten Seat Belts" sign was kept lit during the whole journey although the
flight was a particularly smooth one.
Just before landing, he asked the stewardess about it.
"Well," she explained, "up front there are 17 University of California girls
going to Los Angeles for the weekend.
"In back, there are 25 Coast Guard enlistees. What would you do?"
Give a person a fish and you feed them
for a day.
Teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
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