JokeJam.com
10/17/2003
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How Much is That Persian Rug?
A woman walks into a shop that sells expensive Persian rugs.
She looks around and spots the perfect rug and walks over to inspect it.
As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she accidentally breaks wind. Very
embarrassed she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little
accident.
She turns and sees that standing next to her is a salesman.
"Good day M'am. How may I help you today?"
Very uncomfortable she asks, "Sir how much does this rug cost?"
He answers, "Lady, you farted just touching it. You're gonna shit when you hear
the price."
Petmeds
That Hurts
A young blonde surfer dude went to his doctor complaining of pain.
"Where are you hurting?" Asked the doctor.
"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the man.
"What do you mean, all over?" Asked the doctor, "be a bit more specific."
The man touched his knee with his index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts."
Then he touched his left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too."
Then he touched his right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", he cried.
The doctor checked him thoughtfully for a moment and told him her diagnosis,
"You have a broken index finger."
You're an 80's Child If...
You ever had a Swatch Watch.
You actually spent countless hours trying to perfect the Care Bear Stare.
You remember when Saturday Night Live was funny.
You had Wonder Woman or Superman underwear.
You wanted to be The Hulk for Halloween.
You Believed that "By the power of Greyskull, you HAD the power"
You thought that Transformers were more than meets the eye.
Partying "like it's 1999" seemed very far away.
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Cab Ride
A cab driver picks up a nun.
She gets into the back of the cab, and the driver can’t stop staring at her.
From behind her vale, she musters a gentle voice and asks him why he is staring.
He replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to risk offending
you, dear Sister."
Feeling bold, the Sister speaks to the driver: "My dear son, you cannot offend
me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a
chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you
could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: 1) you have to be
single and 2) you must be Catholic."
The cab driver gives a whoop of Joy, and is very excited! "Yes, I am single and
I'm Catholic too!"
The nun instructs the driver to pull into an alley where they full fill the
driver’s fantasy, tongue and all.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear
child, says the nun, why are you crying so?"
"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, and I must confess. I'm married
and I'm a Baptist!"
The nun says, "That's OK, honey. I lied too. She extends her hand for him to
hold, and whispers: Here's my phone number. I'm just on my way on the way to a
Gay Halloween party and my name's Victor."
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You Know You're From Upstate New York When...
The nicest house in town belongs to a school teacher.
There is only one shopping plaza in town and it's more than 30 miles away.
You find 20F a little chilly.
The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer.
You attended a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry and your
snowmobile boots.
You can play road hockey on skates.
True Value Hardware on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.
Shoveling the driveway constitutes a great upper body workout.
You know the 4 seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Winter, and Construction.
The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
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Vampire Jokes
Why do Vampires tend to make great
artists?
They get lots of practice drawing blood.
What do Vampires enjoy most about
baseball?
The bats.
What does a Vampire say when he thinks
he's in trouble?
"I have a bat feeling about this."
Where do Vampires go to deposit their
savings?
Blood bank
Is it true that a Vampire can't hurt you
if you're carrying a torch?
Yes, but it depends on how fast you carry it!
What is the favorite drink of overweight
Vampires?
"Blood Lite"
Why did the Vampire never marry?
He wanted to remain a Batchelor
What is a Vampire's favorite sport?
Casket Ball!!!
What did the bartender say to the
Vampire?
This blood's for you!
Why doesn't Dracula have any friends?
Because he's a pain in the neck!
What is it like to be kissed by a
Vampire?
It's a pain in the neck.
Only in Britain
Do Supermarkets make the sick people walk all the way to the back of the store
to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
"I didn't say that I didn't say it.
I said that I didn't say that I said it.
I want to make that very clear."
Attributed to George Romney in National Review, 1967
How
do you know that Vampires are Democrats?
They all like ‘Gore’.
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