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6/26/2003
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Shipwreck
A guy, a pig, and a dog were the survivors of a terrible shipwreck, and they
found themselves stranded on a desert island.
After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every
evening to watch the sun go down.
One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze
was warm and gentle, a perfect night for romance!
As they sat there, the pig started looking better and better to the guy. Soon,
he leaned over to the pig and put his arm around it.
But, the dog became jealous, growling fiercely until the guy removed his arm
from around the pig. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the
sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by, and low and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the guy
had ever seen.
She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her
back to good health.
When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening
beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm
and gentle breeze, perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the guy started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as
long as he could, but he finally leaned over to the young woman cautiously and
whispered in her ear, "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"
Whatever!
A young woman walked up to the admittance desk at the hospital. "I need to see an upturn," she said.
"I suspect that you mean intern?" The nurse asked.
"Whatever, I came for a contamination."
"Contamination? I think you mean examination, right?"
"Whatever, I guess I'd best go to the fraternity ward, right?"
"I suppose you mean to say maternity ward?"
"Uptern, intern... examination, contamination... fraternity, maternity... what difference does it make? I mean to tell you, Sis, that I ain't demonstratedin two months and I think I'm stagnant."
Petmeds
Fire and Brimstone
Old Mrs. Wilson loved to hear a firey sermon. She would esconce her comfortable bulk in the pew, rock back and forth in time to the minister's cadences, take a dip of snuff and cry "A-a-a-men," at every piece of ministerial denunciation.
When the minister spoke harshly of sex, drinking, smoking, and drug-taking, she approved heartily, taking snuff at each item and emitting her rolling "A- a- a-men."
Finally the minister began, "And now let me talk about another vicious habit that, fortunately, is going increasingly out of fashion. I refer to the deplorable practice of snuff-dipping..."
Whereupon Mrs. Wilson sat bolt upright and muttered under her breath, "Wouldn't you know? He's stopped preachin' and commenced to meddlin'!"
Pilot to tower
"Pilot to tower. I am 300 miles from land. 600 feet over water and running out of fuel. Please instruct! "
"Tower to pilot. Tower to pilot. Repeat after me, 'Our Father, which art in heaven...'"
eharmony.com Find the Perfect Match!
The 33 Greatest Lies in Aviation
1. I'm from the FAA and I'm here to help you.
2. Me? I've never busted minimums.
3. We will be on time, maybe even early.
4. Pardon me, ma'am, I seem to have lost my jet keys.
5 .I have no interest in flying for the airlines.
6. I fixed it right the first time; it must have failed for other reasons.
7. All that turbulence spoiled my landing.
8. I'm a member of the mile high club.
9. I only need glasses for reading.
10. I broke out right at minimums.
11. The weather is gonna be alright; it's clearing to VFR.
12. Don't worry about the weight and balance -- it'll fly.
13. If we get a little lower I think we'll see the lights.
14. I'm 22, got 6000 hours, a four year degree & 3000 hours in a Lear.
15. We shipped the part yesterday.
16. I'd love to have a woman co-pilot.
17. All you have to do is follow the book.
18. This plane outperforms the book by 20 percent.
19. We in aviation are overpaid, under worked and well respected.
20. Oh sure, no problem, I've got over 2000 hours in that aircraft.
21. I have 5000 hours total time, 3200 are actual instrument.
22. No need to look that up, I've got it all memorized.
23. Sure I can fly it -- it has wings, doesn't it?
24. We'll be home by lunchtime.
25. Your plane will be ready by 2 o'clock.
26. I'm always glad to see the FAA.
27. We fly every day -- we don't need recurrent training.
28. It just came out of annual -- how could anything be wrong?
29. I thought YOU took care of that.
30. I've got the field in sight.
31. I've got the traffic in sight.
32. Of course I know where we are.
33. I'm SURE the gear was down.
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